If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
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