i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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