Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
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