guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
