I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
