There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
