it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Randomize
