he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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