So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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