omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
