ADVERTISEMENT

• (952): View more from Minnesota

  I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic

  Fav 18 5825 1665

  share tweet
  

• (781): View more from Massachusetts

  So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.

  Fav 19 7109 1534

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (314): View more from Missouri

  The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b

  Fav 9 1100 4762

  share tweet
  

• (864): View more from South Carolina

  i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room

  Fav 22 8448 1776

  share tweet
  

• (807): View more from Ontario

  her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me

  Fav 15 4718 1288

  share tweet
  

• (708): View more from Illinois

  They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters

  Fav 2 1358 911

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (310): View more from California

  Is cereal technically a soup?

  (310): View more from California

  Fuck, I'm high.

  Fav 9 1753 722

  share tweet
  

• (585): View more from New York

  I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME

  Fav 2 1065 611

  share tweet
  

• (248): View more from Michigan

  I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard

  Fav 0 578 306

  share tweet
  

• (631): View more from New York

  It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina

  Fav 0 317 116

  share tweet
  

• (503): View more from Oregon

  Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.

  Fav 0 126 99

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (609): View more from New Jersey

  Your mankini haunted my dreams.

  Fav 0 119 94

  share tweet
  

• (705): View more from Ontario

  I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.

  Fav 1 147 55

  share tweet
  

• (631): View more from New York

  I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.

  (631): View more from New York

  If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is

  Fav 2 119 15

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (304): View more from West Virginia

  Come over.

  (1-304): View more from West Virginia

  Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.

  Fav 0 68 39

  share tweet
  

Randomize