my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize