There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
