what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
