someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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