I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
