how can u be prego again
I need to stop coming to work sober
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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