I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
