I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
