just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
