Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
