I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Randomize
