I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
