took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
