I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
