At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
