i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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