now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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