is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
