Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
