I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
