Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
