i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
