my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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