I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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