please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
