can we get nightvision for the apartment?
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
He passed out mid-signature
I just found a bag of teeth...
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
