When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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