He had one of those small greek statue penises
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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