mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Randomize
