your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
