Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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