and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize