i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
