Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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