I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize