My cat gives me a boner
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
a search helicopter?!
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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