As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize