Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
