everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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