Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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