i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
She's just so happy...and so naked.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
