He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
