Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Randomize
