someone get that fucking seahorse.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
