I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
