I showed him my bush... on skype.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Randomize
