Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize