it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
